Do you wear the badge of busyness?

Sarah Allen • February 6, 2019

What is it about parenthood that makes being busy an essential part of every conversation? Of course I understand from the first moment you become a parent life changes forever and having more to do is part of the difference. For a while (okay for quite a long time!) life with a newborn baby does revolve around the endless feeding and nappy changes. However the obsession with busyness continues long after children are weaned and out of nappies. I understand life is more hectic, I feel it too. I spent a long time being overwhelmed with life, just struggling through trying to meet my small child’s needs, forgetting my own and only just getting by. Most days felt hard, almost impossible, with every small task feeling like a mammoth undertaking as I tried to cope with sleep deprivation, self-doubt and a never ending fog.

Thankfully, now my children are older I have found that on most days the fog has lifted and I can attempt things I could only dream of with tiny children. Writing being the biggie but also popping to the shops becomes more like a ‘pop’ than an expedition, I can cook tea without a having a small child on my hip and I have some spare time I can call my own. I know I am lucky this isn’t the same for everyone with children at school; some of you are working constantly and still never have a moment’s peace. My children are now aged 10 and 8 and I love to chat to other parents, barely a day goes by when I don’t chat in the playground or while queuing to buy milk in the shop near school. The conversation goes something like this “What are you doing today?”, “Well there is the food shopping and then I need to hang out the washing, iron the school shirts, clean the bathroom and cook a cottage pie before I pick the kids up from school!” I get it there’s a lot to do and everyone’s idea of what HAS to be completed is different. But I’m just wondering how many of you are wearing the badge of busyness? I’m totally not saying you are not busy but could you ever say “Well I’m going home, putting the kettle on, watching TV then maybe a walk in the woods and then I need to pick the kids up from school”? Or “On Saturday the children are going to watch 2 films whilst I sit and read this fantastic novel I have just borrowed from the library”? I suppose what I am saying is, are you really so busy this is what life has to be like or are you choosing to be busy because you think that’s what you should be doing?

I know before I had children I never sat in the staffroom on a Friday lunchtime discussing laundry with my colleagues. Although, of course I washed my clothes and the laundry basket (because I didn’t have one I just chucked my dirty clothes into a plastic bag) wasn’t constantly over-flowing! I would never have thought this sort of topic was conversation-worthy! But bang as soon as I gave birth suddenly that was a normal chat and continues to be that way. I reckon part of this is habit, we’ve become consumed by drudgery and the other part of this is guilt. As a mother (do any dads feel like this, I’d love to find out) society seems to still make us feel like we have to be concerned with domesticity that we can’t possibly not care less about how clean the carpet is we have to guiltily say “Well yes do come in for a coffee but excuse the crumbs/dog hair/mud/crayons/random bits of paper/lego bricks on the carpet.” As if our friends would think less of us because we don’t live in a beautiful ‘catalogue’ home. I love interior design but what I love more is visiting a messy house, it makes me feel happy when I go home, rather than guilty! I think the people who live there must have an interesting life. Why have we not shaken this sense of perfection so hard it has broken into tiny pieces (like the tissue left in the washing machine – thank goodness I use hankies now!)? This is 2019 we don’t need this. We need happy, full lives, filled with as much joy, purpose and self-care as is possible. Perhaps we have forgotten what life is really about!

The knock on effect, I have found, of finding out friends are going to spend their day cleaning and tidying is that I feel I should be cleaning and tidying as well! Even though I know I need to rest and drink tea! It keeps the feelings of motherhood = perfect home (or at least fairly clean) going in our society because after all we are the society; we help to create it or continue societal norms.

I know this isn’t big, changing the world kind of stuff (and I have been very guilty of talking about laundry, just so you know!) but I think these everyday small interactions can help perpetuate the status quo. I know there is so much more out there I could worry about (and trust me, I do! Are my children spending too long on a screen? Can we ever reverse the affects of plastic pollution? Do my children spend enough time in nature? Will people think I’m crazy writing this?). I know I am writing from a place of privilege just talking about this instead of worrying about where my next meal will come from or how I will pay the rent. I guess I am saying if you enjoy this busyness, if it creates fire in your belly and meaningfulness then be true to yourself and continue. However, if you are endlessly talking about how much you need to do and really you would be much happier having beans on toast for tea whilst wearing crumpled clothes surrounded by a stack of laundry then please rip off your badge of busyness (well maybe take it off carefully so as not to add more to your mending pile!) and use your time to listen to some music, write a poem, watch the rain drip down the window pane, have a snooze or whatever you need to do. We need a world in which everyone has their needs met, not just children, parents as well. You owe it to yourself to grab the opportunities for joy or simply rest when they come around and we owe it to our children. If our needs are met we can better connect with our kids and be a parent who is present and not constantly stressed and running around ticking off their to-do list. We owe it to our daughters. I’m not just talking to mother’s of daughters here, it also applies to mother’s of sons. What our children see us doing is what they will expect to do as a mother or will expect to see from a future partner. So choose well. By all means show them how to organise, work hard, have pride in their home but show them how to have fun, meet their own needs or maybe just to prioritise the lazy option from time to time.

Is it just me, living in my little suburban bubble in Devon or do you experience this parental curse of ‘busyness’? Just to note, if you know me please still talk to me in the playground we don’t need to debate the big questions in life at 9am, I’m just saying if your plan for the weekend is to drink endless cups of tea that’s fine with me, I’ll probably be attempting that too!

Thank you so much to my fantastic Patrons including Finding My Eco and Nature and Nurture Baby Vitamins.

I’m currently trying to carve some dedicated time for promoting eco-friendly living (not just tea- drinking, I promise!). If you feel you could spare a pound or so each month check out my Patreon page.

Community Hub tackling Climate Change

By Sarah Allen • July 16, 2025

2nd May 2027

Beavers Return

By Sarah Allen • June 20, 2025

Are there really beavers living close to where I live?

Walking Through Treacle

By Sarah Allen • October 1, 2024

My shoulders ache; my body is tired. The smallest of tasks feel mammoth. My body craves rest but my mind has different ideas. It wants me to think, work out what to do, problem-solve and worry. I fight to quieten it but the truth is I haven't enough energy. I haven't even enough energy to put on a load of washing in the machine but my kids need clean school shirts. I haven't enough energy to make packed lunches but my kids need to eat. I check what homework they have got, lay the table for dinner, load the dishwasher, make sure the guinea-pigs are fed. My husband, thankfully, makes dinner otherwise I don't know how we would eat. The entire day is like walking through treacle. I cry in sheer exhaustion. The bare minimum is too much. Then I repeat this day after day, year after year. This is surviving, getting through each moment, each day, each year until many have passed and I can no longer remember how living truly feels. How it felt to have cancer-related fatigue and cancer-related PTSD. Thankfully, I don't have many days like this any more, though I can have a run of them during times of stress, when menstruating and after socialising (I'm still not used to it and find it very tiring). The cancer-related fatigue has gone but my energy levels are still a lot lower than they were before my cancer diagnosis and I'm impacted by PTSD on an, almost, daily basis. This has lessened and is becoming more manageable but is triggered by stress and tiredness. You can see the cycle I can get trapped in here. I'm sharing this during Breast Cancer Awareness Month to raise awareness of the long-term impacts of being someone who has had cancer. Also, please check your breasts /chest. It's tough living with the impacts, mostly mental and emotional now, of cancer but I'm, of course, very grateful to be here. Early detection of cancer means outcomes are likely to be better. I found my breast cancer by chance whilst washing . Don't leave it to chance, check today and make it a monthly routine.

Living in a car-free locality

By Sarah Allen • September 6, 2024

In a world of car-dominating towns and cities, what happens if people, plants and animals are put first?

A Sister Circle for Beltane

By Sarah Allen • May 6, 2024

Sand Everywhere!

By Sarah Allen • April 30, 2024

I'm eating it, crunching it between my teeth. It's on my coffee cup, it's in my hair and my eyes. My phone has a sprinkle of it's grittiness and so has my coat! It's covering the road and is continuing to swirl across from the beach, Coating my camper van, no doubt! The beach has been flattened. It looks smooth and new. Footprints covered as soon as they are made. A few brave walkers head into the wind, hoods up and heads bowed, Walking with determination. Nature is powerful and strong in all her wildness.

Rewilding Our Gardens

By Sarah Allen • April 26, 2024

I'm going to share a little about my garden, in case you are interested and so you might be able to support me in rewilding it and making it more nature friendly. The back garden is mostly lawn. We need to keep it that way as half of it is used for the guinea-pig run, rotating it every few days. This half has currently got lots of lesser celandine, which are good for pollinators. The plant mostly dies off by the time its warm enough for the guinea-pigs to be outside. I have to pull up any remaining plants and anything else that is toxic for them to eat. The other half is wilder and left uncut. A greater variety of plants grow including daisies and ragwort. We keep it as lawn so a tent can be put up for the kids. I also like to put a blanket down and sit on it (once it's drier). Around the edges of the lawn is left fairly wild but we also grow strawberries. The strawberry patch was used by hedgehogs last year to forage for invertebrates, I should think because it was unweeded it provided a lot more for them. Though, I may have to weed it a bit this year to allow the strawberry plants to grow. The front garden was block paved by previous owners. I've got pots growing food and some with flowers. I'd like to increase the amount of food I grow in this area. I use the front garden for this as it has lots of sunshine. I'd also like to increase the plants for pollinators and have bees and butterflies constantly flying from flower to flower. That's me, how about you? What's your garden like? Extract from the Changemaker membership which I run from my Patreon page (there's also a private FB group). We are starting our new focus: Rewilding our gardens and incorporating rest as we move into the, often, busier seasons of spring and summer. It's a form of gentle activism within a supportive community and you're invited! Join for 7 days (it's free!), a month, all spring or more. Any questions? Just ask.