Do you wear the badge of busyness? 

What is it about parenthood that makes being busy an essential part of every conversation? Of course I understand from the first moment you become a parent life changes forever and having more to do is part of the difference. For a while (okay for quite a long time!) life with a newborn baby does revolve around the endless feeding and nappy changes. However the obsession with busyness continues long after children are weaned and out of nappies. I understand life is more hectic, I feel it too. I spent a long time being overwhelmed with life, just struggling through trying to meet my small child’s needs, forgetting my own and only just getting by. Most days felt hard, almost impossible, with every small task feeling like a mammoth undertaking as I tried to cope with sleep deprivation, self-doubt and a never ending fog.

Thankfully, now my children are older I have found that on most days the fog has lifted and I can attempt things I could only dream of with tiny children. Writing being the biggie but also popping to the shops becomes more like a ‘pop’ than an expedition, I can cook tea without a having a small child on my hip and I have some spare time I can call my own. I know I am lucky this isn’t the same for everyone with children at school; some of you are working constantly and still never have a moment’s peace. My children are now aged 10 and 8 and I love to chat to other parents, barely a day goes by when I don’t chat in the playground or while queuing to buy milk in the shop near school. The conversation goes something like this “What are you doing today?”, “Well there is the food shopping and then I need to hang out the washing, iron the school shirts, clean the bathroom and cook a cottage pie before I pick the kids up from school!” I get it there’s a lot to do and everyone’s idea of what HAS to be completed is different. But I’m just wondering how many of you are wearing the badge of busyness? I’m totally not saying you are not busy but could you ever say “Well I’m going home, putting the kettle on, watching TV then maybe a walk in the woods and then I need to pick the kids up from school”? Or “On Saturday the children are going to watch 2 films whilst I sit and read this fantastic novel I have just borrowed from the library”? I suppose what I am saying is, are you really so busy this is what life has to be like or are you choosing to be busy because you think that’s what you should be doing?

I know before I had children I never sat in the staffroom on a Friday lunchtime discussing laundry with my colleagues. Although, of course I washed my clothes and the laundry basket (because I didn’t have one I just chucked my dirty clothes into a plastic bag) wasn’t constantly over-flowing! I would never have thought this sort of topic was conversation-worthy! But bang as soon as I gave birth suddenly that was a normal chat and continues to be that way. I reckon part of this is habit, we’ve become consumed by drudgery and the other part of this is guilt. As a mother (do any dads feel like this, I’d love to find out) society seems to still make us feel like we have to be concerned with domesticity that we can’t possibly not care less about how clean the carpet is we have to guiltily say “Well yes do come in for a coffee but excuse the crumbs/dog hair/mud/crayons/random bits of paper/lego bricks on the carpet.” As if our friends would think less of us because we don’t live in a beautiful ‘catalogue’ home. I love interior design but what I love more is visiting a messy house, it makes me feel happy when I go home, rather than guilty! I think the people who live there must have an interesting life. Why have we not shaken this sense of perfection so hard it has broken into tiny pieces (like the tissue left in the washing machine – thank goodness I use hankies now!)? This is 2019 we don’t need this. We need happy, full lives, filled with as much joy, purpose and self-care as is possible. Perhaps we have forgotten what life is really about!

The knock on effect, I have found, of finding out friends are going to spend their day cleaning and tidying is that I feel I should be cleaning and tidying as well! Even though I know I need to rest and drink tea! It keeps the feelings of motherhood = perfect home (or at least fairly clean) going in our society because after all we are the society; we help to create it or continue societal norms.

I know this isn’t big, changing the world kind of stuff (and I have been very guilty of talking about laundry, just so you know!) but I think these everyday small interactions can help perpetuate the status quo. I know there is so much more out there I could worry about (and trust me, I do! Are my children spending too long on a screen? Can we ever reverse the affects of plastic pollution? Do my children spend enough time in nature? Will people think I’m crazy writing this?). I know I am writing from a place of privilege just talking about this instead of worrying about where my next meal will come from or how I will pay the rent. I guess I am saying if you enjoy this busyness, if it creates fire in your belly and meaningfulness then be true to yourself and continue. However, if you are endlessly talking about how much you need to do and really you would be much happier having beans on toast for tea whilst wearing crumpled clothes surrounded by a stack of laundry then please rip off your badge of busyness (well maybe take it off carefully so as not to add more to your mending pile!) and use your time to listen to some music, write a poem, watch the rain drip down the window pane, have a snooze or whatever you need to do. We need a world in which everyone has their needs met, not just children, parents as well. You owe it to yourself to grab the opportunities for joy or simply rest when they come around and we owe it to our children. If our needs are met we can better connect with our kids and be a parent who is present and not constantly stressed and running around ticking off their to-do list. We owe it to our daughters. I’m not just talking to mother’s of daughters here, it also applies to mother’s of sons. What our children see us doing is what they will expect to do as a mother or will expect to see from a future partner. So choose well. By all means show them how to organise, work hard, have pride in their home but show them how to have fun, meet their own needs or maybe just to prioritise the lazy option from time to time.

Is it just me, living in my little suburban bubble in Devon or do you experience this parental curse of ‘busyness’? Just to note, if you know me please still talk to me in the playground we don’t need to debate the big questions in life at 9am, I’m just saying if your plan for the weekend is to drink endless cups of tea that’s fine with me, I’ll probably be attempting that too!

Thank you so much to my fantastic Patrons including Finding My Eco and Nature and Nurture Baby Vitamins.

I’m currently trying to carve some dedicated time for promoting eco-friendly living (not just tea- drinking, I promise!). If you feel you could spare a pound or so each month check out my Patreon page.

Further Reading:
My world is so small !